Humour Break.

Dog property laws:

If I like it, it's mine.
If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
If I saw it first, it's mine.
If it's broken, it's yours.

How dogs and men are the same:
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
Neither does any dishes.
Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.

How dogs are better than men:
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Top 10 reasons a dog is better than a woman:
10.
A dog's parents will never visit you.
A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
A dog never expects you to telephone.
A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
A dog does not shop.

Life lessons learned from a dog:
If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
Don't go out without ID.
If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a kiss.
Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
Always give people a friendly greeting.
When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).

Things dogs have to remember:
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
We do not have a doorbell.
I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

Doggie Dictionary.

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

Guard Dog.

My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection.

As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."
"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.
Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.
Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding.
As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.

What is a dog.

1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

How To Easily Clean A Cat.

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Signed The Dog 

P.S see you all when i get back off holiday.

Regards Sheba, Cody and Staff.